Kabbalah Blah Blah Blah

In Madonna’s newest attempt to relive the glory days she has released a documentary revolving around her glitzy tours, her eccentric dancers and her larger than life personality. Sound familiar? Only this time, as a spiritually awakened married mother of two, Madonna is not asking us to simply look at her. We are now asked to listen closely because, as the title of this Truth or Dare sequel explains she is… “Going to Tell You a Secret”.

First and foremost, there is no sort of mystery that revolves around Madonna and I can’t imagine her having any secrets left to tell. However, part of her genius lies in the fact that she is the only star to date who does not suffer from being grossly overexposed. I happen to know that Madonna used to sleep with her landlord to pay rent, that she eats Hot Tamales when she craves something sweet and she has a gold plated eyelash curler. And I am not even a huge fan.

The movie begins on par with her hiring dancers all with glowing individualism. The dancer’s instantly bond and start hamming it up for the camera. Then onto the tour, Madonna prays before they go on stage. She wows us with her yoga moves. We get to see her bark orders while she gets her makeup done. All her gays laugh at her lame jokes. And finally, Madonna reads her poems with rhymes like Dr Seuss.

At first the only real difference from “Truth or Dare” is the appearance of her family. A goofy Guy Ritchie, a smart as a whip Lourdes and a darling destructive little boy Rocco, prove to be charming additions. Of course the meat of this movie is in the stage performances. After all this is what Madonna does best, this is why she is famous. It is so sad when famous people like Madonna don’t think their talents are enough and do not feel spiritually whole by just simply entertaining. And so the guru, the flaky religion and the insurmountable ego come out to play and boy does it ever.

“I don’t miss being an idiot,” Madonna says to the camera, speaking about how she used to be before Kabbalah, before she started trying to get “closer to the light.” She also has her guru come on to explain the essentials of Kabbalah and what Madonna has learned. Which is basically a bare bones how to, on being human. I wonder has Madonna ever come across the saying “Treat others how you would want to be treated?” Because she speaks of her realizations as if she is the first to discover that if you are mean to someone, well, they are going to be mean back.

However this isn’t offensive, this is typical. Every Kabbalah lesson she condescendingly graces us with is nothing compared to when she actually takes a trip to Israel and gives a speech on how there can be peace between Muslims and Jews. As if decades of conflict, war and blood shed could be solved by a visit from a mega celebrity. She might as well have stood in the middle of the Gaza Strip and tried to inspire everyone by singing “Holiday.” “I am not here representing a religion,” Madonna says, modestly dressed and nervously ringing her hands at the podium. “I am here as a student of Kabbalah.” She then goes on to suggest that if everyone in Israel started to see this messy old situation through the eyes of a child, things would like get better. This is because children know no prejudices and they don’t know who is Muslim and who is Jewish.

At the end of this mortifying movie two kids, one dressed as a Muslim one as a Jew, walk arm and arm into the sunset and Madonna whispers “Now do you know my secret?” Yes, thank you Madonna, it is very clear what you have become.